6165 Week 5. Strategies to solve my conflict

My husband and I are experiencing the following situation: We have planned to spend the next two or three months in Mexico, which is just perfect because we haven’t been able to spend the holidays with our relatives in Mexico for the last two years.  BUT we haven’t decided to whom we are going to ask to come to our home to check the pipes haven’t frozen, the heater is working, and to pick up and check our mail. Yesterday, we were talking about who the best person would be.

We have Pepe in mind, a friend of us whose wife is in Mexico and he is looking for a new place to move beginning January, which means he could stay living in my house until we come back. If Pepe stays in my home he would pick our mail up every day, let us know if the heater breaks down or he would unfrozen the pipes in case the weather gets bad –these are the three mayor concerns we have regarding our house. One problem with Pepe is that he would not be able to tell us what we have gotten in the mail, because of the little English he has learned. Another problem is if I have to come some when I would not feel comfortable sharing my house with him.

The other person is Claudia, another friend of us who is bilingual but does not live nearby my house. Sincerely, I do not know if Claudia would be willing to drive every single day to my house, pick up and check the mail, make sure the heater is working and check that the pipes haven’t frozen.

While talking with my husband about the pros and cons of Claudia and Pepe, he used to say something like “Pepe/Claudia would be perfect, or maybe not, because… you know?” Every time I heard his “you know?” I felt confused and tried to avoid misunderstandings with my husband by practicing the approach that The third side suggest when preventing a destructing conflict by addressing the tension of not knowing. So I told my husband that I actually didn’t know what he meant when saying “you know?” and asked him to please be clearer.

Keeping in mind “our relationships are defined by the way we manage conflict” (O'Hair & Wiemann, 2012, p. 220), when I shared my points of view I tried to do it in a respectful and cooperative way, by not criticizing what my husband had just said and avoiding words that would sound like I was obligating him to accept what I have said, like the Center for Nonviolent Communication suggests.   

I would like to know the greatly appreciated suggestions that people who are not involved in this situation can have. Thanks in advance! J

References

O'Hair, D., & Wiemann, M. (2012). Real communication: An introduction. New York: Bedford/St. Martin's.

The Center for Nonviolent Communication. (n.d.). The center for nonviolent communication. Retrieved from http://www.cnvc.org/

The Third Side. (n.d.). The third side. Retrieved from http://www.thirdside.org/

6165 Week 4. My evaluation as a communicator

[After having a terrible problem with my other computer I am finally able to post this assignment :)]

Before taking this course, I was not aware of the HUGE influence that my communication style has on how other perceive me… But I am still glad that others do not see all the points I consider need to be strengthened.

The results I got in the verbal aggressiveness test were kind of terrifying because I am in the significant level, which means I attack a person’s position and can hurt the listener. Sincerely, I am still in shock about this result. Gladly, my husband and Gaby, who was my assistant, consider I am in the low level –this was a relief to me. When I did this test I felt kind of confused because there are some questions that would have different answer when being related to different context. [I think I am still looking for the logical reason -or an excuse- that helps me assimilate this result]

In relation to the communication anxiety inventory, I got into the mild level because there are contexts and situations in which I feel less comfortable communicating, more specifically when establishing communication in English :s But my husband and ex-assistant considered that I was in the low level because of the confidence they consider I communicate with.  Again, I am glad that my confidence is greater than my worry.

My listening style is people-oriented, as my results and the ones Gaby and my husband got. These results made me think on the importance of being empathic when communicating, but also helped me realize that being very trustful of others interfere with a proper judgment.

One of the insights I got throughout this week is that the way I perceive myself is going to influence the quality of the communication I establish in any environment. Another insight is the importance of being sensitive to the feedback gotten when communicating.

6164 Week 4. Awareness of Microaggressions

It is very sad to realize that despite the fact I am living in such diverse country as USA, people still make differences in the way they serve others in places where all different people attend.

A couple days ago, I was waiting in line to pay my groceries in an Italian market. The cashier was white and she greeted and thanked so kindly the white customer who was in front of me. When it was my turn, I smiled while getting ready to answer to her kind greeting, but… she said NOTHING to me, so I said “Good morning!”, and again she didn’t say a word. She just scanned my articles, bagged them, and waited without saying a word about my total amount. I know where to look for and find my total amount due, but I am used to hear the cashier saying the total to each customer; certainly this cashier was the exception that confirms the rule. I asked her how much it was and she FINALLY talked to me, I gave her the money and tanked her. While I was getting my bags I heard how kindly she was when greeting the customer behind me, of course this customer was white.

This experience made me feel ignored by the cashier. When things like this happens, I try to keep in mind my mom’s words saying that each person acts like they do because of personal reasons, which are just his/hers issues not mine. Still, I consider that an attitude like the one this cashier had with me can make some people feel bad -ignored, unimportant- for doing basic things, like just buying groceries.

After being more conscious about the effects of discrimination, prejudice, and stereotypes on people, I am aware of the importance to reflect on our hidden biases in order to be empathic, and avoid treating others in a way we would not like to be treated.

6165 Week 3. Communicating with different groups and cultures

Until today, I had never thought about the way I communicate with my neighbors. I live in a townhouse, thus all houses are together, but this fact hasn’t been helpful to establish much verbal communication with my neighbors. However, I found out that I have sent messages that are not so friendly to the people who live around me, like being always in a hurry that I just greet my neighbors from door to door, or when I just smile and nod to a neighbor who is from India. Talking about this specific neighbor, I have never talked to him because he looks so serious to me and I don't know how to approach to him and his family.

I would like to share another personal experience. When I was living in Mexico, a friend of mine shared with other friends and myself that she had decided to change her religion, she would no longer be Catholic. In the first moment I thought she would not be able to be present in my Catholic wedding and her decision would be an impediment for us to be friends –taking into consideration that all my friends were Catholic. After thinking and reflecting on my worries I found out that my fears did not make sense, she was my friend and I had to respect her decisions so this was what I did. After all, she attended to my wedding, we are still good friends, and nothing has changed our relationship. This friend taught me that sharing the same religion was not what made us friends; it is just accepting who and how we all are what matters.

Definitely, I need to start behaving in a respectful way towards my neighbors and others, in order to be competent and establish intercultural communication (Beebe, Beebe, & Redmond, 2011). I also have to pay more attention when other people communicate, in order to learn the different ways they use to communicate and address their issues. Something else I need to reflect on is my personality (Vuckovic), because it is a factor that influences my communication, especially now that I am aware that my shyness is keeping me away from relating to people who share about the same environment, like my neighbors.

References

Beebe, S. A., Beebe, S. J., & Redmond, M. V. (2011). Interpersonal communication: Relating to others (6th ed.). Boston, MA: Allyn & Bacon.

Vuckovic, A. (2008). Inter-cultural communication: A foundation of communicative action. Multicultural Education and Technology Journal, 2(1), 47–59.

6164 Week 3. Perspectives on Diversity and Culture

When I interviewed three people about their definitions of culture and diversity the first thing they said was “It is too hard to define those terms”, “I don’t know, but let me thing”, and “Why are you asking these questions to me?” Despite the fact that we all live every single day immersed in our culture and influenced by diversity, these are two terms that we rarely reflect on. Maybe it is because when we have something to close to our eyes we cannot appreciate what it is about.

A graphic designer in Mexico defined culture as the knowledge people gain when educating themselves in their countries’ traditions, history, and everything they see as valuable. She said diversity is getting to know and accept other cultures and their practices.

An African-American friend who is social worker told me that culture is who you are because of your traditions, beliefs, nationality, and religion. She defined diversity as relating with other people different from ourselves, she specifically mentioned relating with people who have different skin color and education.

A Caucasian neighbor, who is a truck driver ,considers that culture includes behaviors, practices or traditions, holidays, food, and the way people dress. He defined diversity as the mix of different cultures and mentioned that globalization could be a result of diversity.

After listening to the people I interviewed, I could identify that they conceive culture as only “the surface things that are easy so see, taste, and define” (Derman-Sparks & Edwards, 2010, p. 56), like traditions, religion, food, and dressing. But I have learned that culture is something deeper than just the things our senses can perceive. Culture also includes the conception that people have about childhood, the roles people consider children should/not play, family situations like migration, gender roles, recreation, and the expression of emotions, among other facts.

After reflecting on my own culture I have valued it even more, at the same time I have opened more my mind in order to accept the practices that people with other cultures have and share with me… besides their delicious food.

References

Derman-Sparks, L., & Edwards, J. O. (2010). Anti-bias education for young children and ourselves. Washington, DC: National Association for the Education of Young Children (NAEYC).

6165 Week 2. According to Jim

The television show I watched was “According to Jim”. With no sound, it started with one dad and his little boy and another man with two girls; they were waiting to buy tickets for the movies. Because the boy’s dad read a sign that said that children under 4 were free, he held up the boy and showed him to the cashier. The boy frown and looked like if he was upset with his dad, maybe dad made the boy lie about his age in order to get him in for free to the movies. The girls talked to each other like criticizing the boy’s dad. Only the boy’s dad the other man laughed, the two girls looked at the man as if they were ashamed for being with him. At this point I thought the man with the two girls was his dad.

Later a woman was lying on the sofa in a house and a couple came in kissing, hugging, and laughing one to each other. The women on the sofa got up quickly and greet them, smiling and looking ashamed because she was asleep. When the man leaved, his girlfriend looked worried, she dropped her shoulders, sat sown on the sofa, put her head on both hands, and showed a note to the other woman. I had no idea about why the woman was worried and what the note said.

The two men and three children got into the house and the woman stopped talking, they two looked surprised because they stopped talking and hid the note. The little boy looked upset because he closed his arms and talked to one of the women, while his dad made hand movements while talking.

Now with the sound on, I found out that the man with the two girls was their uncle, I was right about the boy and man, they were dad and son, and the two women in the house were sisters. Danna, who was with her boyfriend wanted her sister to prepare a family dinner with her boyfriend, because she thought he is going to propose her and the note had the food that he liked.

I noticed that the way adults talked was different from the children’s talking. Adults made more hand movements than children, and when adults talked to children more visual contact was established. When children talked they raised their volume more frequently than the adults.

I think that if I had watched a show I know well with no sound, it would be easier to guess what the episode was about, because I would be used to the characters, how they express themselves, the relationships among characters, the places where the show is commonly developed in, and the general subject of the program.

This activity helped me to understand that communication is certainly not only matter of listening and speaking, because the context and previous experiences are important too, as O'Hair & Wiemann (2012) cited.

Reference

O'Hair, D., & Wiemann, M. (2012). Real communication: An introduction. New York: Bedford/St. Martin's.

6164 Week 2. My Family Culture

If during an emergency I needed to choose three items that I hold dear and represent my family culture those items would be my bible, a photo album, and my cookbook.

My bible is significant part of my family culture because it represents my Catholic faith. It is because of my faith that I have been able to make decisions when I need to do it, the same in tough situations and every moment in my life. My faith also guides my behavior, because I avoid doing things that attempt against the commandments of my religion.

A photo album has been important part of my life because it has pictures that bring back and show memories about the life I had in Mexico and also about my current life in USA. These pictures show everything about the especial moments and people who have influenced me to become who and how I am today. Through these pictures is also possible to identify the places where I use[d] to go and the activities I like[d], being both essential part of my family culture.  

My cookbook is especially important to me because my mom wrote it and gave it to me when I got married. It is also meaningful to me because throughout the preparation of those recipes I recall my mom cooking the meals that my family and I enjoyed. These recipes are also important to me because when my mom was cooking she used to talk about her mom, how she cooked, as well as the modifications she made to the recipes.   Because the recipes in this book have been created by/ inherited from my great grandma to my grandma, then to my mom, and now to me, the cookbook reflects not only my Mexican food, but also significant family moments because some recipes were cooked mostly for holidays.

If I needed to keep only one item, I would choose my family album because it has images that show others and remind me what has been my life and how I have changed. These pictures also show the people, places, and activities that have influenced my life.

This exercise reminded me when I moved to USA from Mexico because I brought those three items, plus few clothes, and my laptop. In the very first days and having left behind my parents, siblings, friends, favorite places, language, and everything that up to that time had been my life, I realized the importance of being surrounded by supportive and caring people who have about the same practices I had in Mexico. In my case these people were my husband and my in-laws; they were willing to introduce me my adoptive country, by teaching me the practices that are common here and that would help thrive and settle down. Nowadays, I have learned to live missing my loved ones, but I also have learned to adjust my family culture to the opportunities what this country has offered me.

6165 Week 1. Competent Communicator

I am a person whose first language is not English and communicating, specifically in English, was one of my biggest challenges when I moved from Mexico to Illinois. I remember I was so afraid of using a drive thru because I was not able to see the person talking, I could not point to what I needed, or make movements with my hands in order to explain what I wanted. It was just my biggest challenge ever!!!

When I started working in Head Start Sue, my ex-supervisor, helped me a lot. At the beginning, she talked to me more slowly than to English native speakers (and talking to other co-workers who were Spanish speakers, we all agreed that she did that with all of us at the beginning). She always asked me if I had any question or concern after talking to me, I would also say that she looked for the words that made our conversations more understandable to me, because I was able to understand her messages and she understood and answered all my questions.

I consider Sue is a competent communicator because when anybody needed to talk to her she would stop whatever she was doing in order to focus her attention on the person, looking at the person all the time, and using hand movements that helped to understand her messages. Something I remember about our conversations is that she always asked me how my day was going; this fact helped me to feel important to her and feel that she cared about me.

Being supported by people like Sue helped me to improve my communication skills towards parents, children, and co-workers and in my personal life. The fact that English and Spanish speaking parents came and talked to me let me apply what I learned from Sue, paying my attention to them, repeating what they have said in order to make sure I have understood their ideas, and responding to their messages; these were all communication skills that allowed me practice and improve both my English and communication.

By the way, I was able to overcome my fear and use a drive thru after about a year since I moved from Mexico. J